


Faith, believe.

by Reichi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged up characters, Anxiety, Coping issues, Dark Thoughts, Depression, Fluff, Future Fic, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied past self harm, Kei loves his boyfriend alot, Kuroo centered, M/M, Panic Attacks, Trigger warnings for mental health, college / univeristy, mild disassociation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 07:23:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12127422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reichi/pseuds/Reichi
Summary: (Maybe if he closed them tight enough and clenched his fists strong enough in his blankets, he could shut away the somber thoughts that were forming in his head)Sometimes being strong, means to believe that everything will be okay even in the midst of darkness. Sometimes to believe, is to have faith in yourself, who you are, and who you will become.





	Faith, believe.

Waking up that morning was difficult.

He woke up feeling like his heart was lodged in his throat and his body was not quite his own. Several moments passed with him lying in his bed in the buzzing silence, slowly realising that he couldn’t really find the will to get up to prepare for his classes for the day. It was a difficult module and he couldn’t afford to miss it. But the more he tried to get himself to get up ,take a shower, and walk the short distance to campus, the more he felt the hammering in his chest and the knocking on his skull.

Succumbing to the dark thoughts swimming around in his head, he closed his eyes again and pulled the blankets up higher; shielding himself from the outside world by creating his own personal space. The room was suffocating him, but he knew that trying to escape from it would only force him to face the other worlds out there that was too broad, too open, and too unpredictable for him to cope with.

Kuroo decided that suffocating in silence in his dark bedroom was better than suffocating in the brightness from the sun and the uncertainty of the outside world.

He couldn’t even go back to sleep. Breathing heavily into his pillow, he choked back the emotion gnawing on his chest and tried desperately to even out his breathing. He knew this day would come. He knew the build-up from the past few weeks were too fast, too _strong_ for him to catch up with. He knew that argument with Akaashi a few days ago was bad and that he should have apologised for it. Shouldn't have been so selfish. (He couldn’t even remember what it was about) He knew it was bad for him; bottling everything up until it broke and leaving broken shards for him to step on. He knew it. He could've done something to prevent it. And yet. And _yet._

A choked sob left his lips at the thought of being left alone, crawling up from his throat and releasing the stone choking him, destroying the dam that he was trying to hold. Tears fell from his eyes as he furiously tried to wipe away, biting his lips to prevent the repulsive noises that tried to escape. His phone was vibrating on his nightstand, the glow from the screen making him shy away and burrow into his cocoon of blankets. Too much noise, too much buzzing and too much was happening around him at once. His breathing pitched and fell and his vision swam with dark spots. The terror of not remembering how to get air to enter his lungs and how to exhale without choking consumed him.

By the time the attack died, his phone started ringing again. 

He let his phone ring until it stopped.

Even though his phone had stopped ringing, his mind still played the tune of his ringtone. Kuroo let thoughts of calling Kei flood his mind. Surely, his boyfriend would be able to help him through the dark muddled thoughts in his head. Surely his boyfriend still wanted him around enough to want to help him. Surely he could ask for help without having to give back anything in return.  _Surely_ ** _-_**

**_What if he says no?_   **

The thought was sudden, sharp enough to feel like he was stabbed in the chest with a sharp knife. Curling into himself tighter, he let the few extra tears from his eyes slip and sniffed into his blankets, closing his eyes tightly. (Maybe if he closed them tight enough and clenched his fists strong enough in his blankets, he could shut away the somber thoughts that were forming in his head)

**_What if he doesn't want to deal with you like this? What if he leaves you here like this?  What is he demands for you to do better?_ **

Energy leaving him, Kuroo’s fists unclenched and his body slowly uncurled itself; his eyes remained closed. Fear crawled up his back, resting firmly against him and all around him. His arms started to ache, faded silver linings decorated his arms and thighs and oh how he _hated_ them. Wish they weren’t there to remind him of his past coping methods. Wish they weren't there in the first place. Wish he had never done it. Wish he didn’t feel the urge to do it again.

His phone started ringing once more, the glow from the screen illuminating the dark behind his eyelids. Sighing, Kuroo reached for it, taking it in his hands to watch the caller ID flash along with the call.

He couldn’t even see who was calling him. How pathetic. He could see the words, could make out numbers and lines and colours but couldn't identify them. Everything was blurry and it was making him dizzy. His body shook around him, only realizing it when he caught side of his trembling fingers.  _Breathe_ , Kuroo managed to tell himself,  _breathe._

The call dropped.

The glow from the screen displaying 10 messages and 5 missed calls. From who, Kuroo couldn’t tell. Not with how jumbled his brain was. _Pathetic._

A short buzz snapped him out from his self-deprecating thoughts, another text message from whoever it was that was blowing up his phone. He could make out the words this time, it took a while, but with a few more deep breaths, he could read it. 

**[ Where are you? ]**

Before Kuroo could even think of a proper response, two more messages came in with the short buzzes that he had set as his text tone.

**[ You’re not in class. Are you okay? ]  
[ Do you need me to come over? ] **

His heart swelled with the notion that someone was worried about him, but quickly vanished under the cold assault of comprehending how bad that was and _that sort of emotion was probably guilt tripping someone else? Wasn't it?_ He was a bad person, wasn’t he?

Kuroo sighed, letting his forehead rest against his phone screen. Was it bad that he wanted someone with him to hold him? He wanted Kei to hug him and kiss him again. When was the last time he smiled? A proper smile? When was the last time he felt at peace with himself? When was the last time he felt like he could live with what and who he is, what he could have become? When was the last time Kei told him he loved him? _Kei told you that you were an idiot the last time you told him you loved him._ When was that? He was sure Kei didn’t mean it. But. He was tired. He didn’t want to think anymore. He was tired. 

Nausea churned in his gut, his headache steadily getting unbearable even for him; resignedly, Kuroo entertained the thought of simply disappearing from the face of the earth. 

An hour or two passed before his phone buzzed again, waking Kuroo from his mindless drifting.

**[ I’m coming over. ]**

And then a second-

**[ I love you, Tetsurou. ]**

A beat. A breath. Fresh tears sprung, leaving Kuroo breathless again as he sobbed from the emotion welling and spilling in his chest. This time, he could read the name of the sender on the top of his screen. _The love of my life. _ Kei had spluttered and hit him with a pillow when he saw what his contact name was saved as, but made no move to change it. That memory alone let Kuroo to slowly calm down from another attack. _Kei loves you. He doesn’t think you’re an idiot. He loves you._ He reminds himself. _He cares._

He didn’t have to wait long for his room door to creak open or for the sock covered feet that padded into his room. He didn’t move from his position on his bed, too tired and drained to even lift his head.

The door was left ajar to let some light in, enough to be able to see but dim enough to not startle Kuroo. Kei sat by the edge of his bed, watching over him with worried eyes.

“Hey.” The blonde whispered, leaning down to press a gentle kiss on the top of Kuroo’s forehead, smoothing out the knotted parts of his hair with his hand. “I’m here.” He whispers again, patiently waiting for Kuroo to respond.

Kuroo hummed, letting the blonde’s presence sooth his aching soul for a few more moments before opening his eyes, searching for the amber eyes that he adored.

Catching his lover’s gaze, Kei offered a tentative smile, reaching his other hand out to brush away the remainder of the tears that were caught on the edges of Kuroo’s eyes. “You’re not alone, Tetsu. You can count on me to be there for you, okay? You’re okay.” Kei mutters, resting the palm of his hand on Kuroo’s damp cheek. Kuroo thought about how disgusting he must've looked, with dried tear tracks on his cheeks and fresh ones piling under his eyes. Kuroo thought about how revolting he must've been, and thought about how Kei didn't seem to care about any of that. Kei looked at him with worry, but also with a firm stand on his faith in Kuroo to see the love in his eyes.

Kei was smiling at him, for him.  

Kuroo closes his eyes again, leaning into the warm touch of his love’s palm. Slowly letting the last of his burned and crumbling walls go with a low exhale, he nods. The dark thoughts that jumped about in his mind, eager to press the button that would detonate him; set him on fire, lingered. But still, Kuroo drew from the warmth of Kei's hand, and took another deep breath. Held it. Letting it go, he nods. 

“Okay.”

As Kei slides in the bed with him, cradling him like he was something to be protected, Kuroo lets himself believe that someday, one day, he would be content with who he is, and who he would become. A kiss is pressed on the edge of his lips, reassuring and tender.

“I love you, Tetsurou.” Kei says against his lips.

In Kei’s warm embrace, Kuroo lets himself believe.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are very welcomed.


End file.
